The debate about questions and their stupidity is on-going. Dumb is subjective. Thoughtless or insensitive is a little more precise. Questions about people’s family planning are often in that category. In the Jewish tradition, the Talmud guides a lot of our behavior and provides guidelines for prioritizing situations. However, Rav Abby, sister of Rabbi Landers, who might have been a cousin of Rabbi Manners have words of wisdom on this topic too. They had a consistent approach which almost always applied to these questions: you are not required to answer someone else’s question.
How do I answer when someone (fill in the blank question that reflects someone else’s curiosity or possible good intentions but is a raging trigger for you and you are just trying to get your copies made already!)? Or even from a friend, how do I respond when (fill in the blank question that you have no intention whatsoever of answering at that moment regardless of your relationship to the person asking).
A recent NYTimes Social Q’s answer summed it up beautifully. Their fill-in-the-blank-question was a curious friend who wanted to know whose fault was causing the infertility for a couple (!?!). “Rather than bringing a useful talk to a screeching halt because of one dumb question, how about redirecting it (“That’s not what I was talking about”) or brushing it off (“Oh, that doesn’t matter”) and returning to the valuable part of the discussion?” Besides that this does bring us back to the issue of “dumb questions” (there are two sides to that debate), they further point out that sometimes you are entitled to end a conversation and make others squirm. This is accomplished by one of my favorite responses, and tone is everything in this one, “Why do you ask?” That could be stated with chin downward looking out of the tops of your eyes, or with lips pursed and an icy tone, or a head tilt and furrowed brow and a dramatic forefinger and thumb around the chin for effect. All of these squarely place the issue into the hands of the person asking the question – to whom attention ought to be directed – rather than on you or your partner’s reproductive organs and private life.
The first attempts to redirect or brush off, however, are useful when we know or are hopeful that the other person really does have good intentions or is a good friend and just fumbled the attempt to open a conversation. As noted above, this is still accomplished without answering the question.
So here is your mantra. Repeat after me: “I am not required to answer someone else’s questions.”
And here are your multiple choice stock answers to keep at the ready:
a) “That’s not what I was talking about”
b) “Oh, that doesn’t matter”
c) “Why do you ask?”
d) “Interesting that you ask. What’s really on my mind is…” (To talk about it or to change the subject)
d) “That reminds me, I have always wanted to ask you and I know it’s not really any of my business… ” Silence. Blank stare. (Okay. Maybe not, but I’ve always wanted to do that).
Happy not answering!