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By guest columnist Dr. Karen Wasserstein

What to do with another New Year? Being Jewish, I celebrate two New Years. Is it lucky to have two New Years or is it unlucky?

My family and I fully celebrate Rosh Hashanah as the Jewish New Year. We spend the month ahead of time talking about it, shopping and cooking for it, wishing everyone we see a Happy New Year. We greet each other with hopes for a year of growth, prosperity and blessing and readily accept those blessings in return. We wish each other a Shana Tova Umtukah, that we should have a sweet new year.

And then, about three and a half months later, as January rolls around, we bring in the New Year — again. We wind down the previous year and watch retrospectives on tv of the year in review. We watch as father time becomes an old man (with a sash with last year’s date) and turns into a newborn (with a sash with the new year date). We watch a ball drop in Times Square, get together with friends, wish each other a “Happy New Year!” and hope for a new year of promise, of potential and of hope for all of our dreams.

What both New Years have in common is a looking back on the last year and a look forward into the New Year. How was the last year? Did our dreams and hopes get fulfilled? Did we have a year of health? Of growth? How did our relationships weather last year and are they ready for the next one?

When one is facing fertility challenges, the New Year can powerfully remind us of all that has happened in the last year– and all that has not happened. Has another week, month, year gone by where there was no pregnancy? Was there loss? How many New Years will I face without knowing what my family will look like? How am I (or we) weathering this time? Am I ready to start another New Year plowing ahead on my fertility journey? This is when having two New Years can feel difficult, not so lucky. Another year gone by without having the family I am dreaming of and working so hard to build.

But on the other hand, maybe I have hope, even cautious hope. Maybe as I can turn the page, the last year which had its share of pain and disappointment can come to completion, and I can move into the next year with the potential for more, even as I know that I have no answers and no guarantees. I can take the lessons of last year as I move ahead. Maybe my partner and I have learned how to cope together in a way that we had not had a year ago. Maybe I have developed a network of others, or I attend a support group where I feel held up and able to face another day. This is when having two New Years can feel lucky; two opportunities to turn the page, to start again.

Every year builds on the one before. We are ever changed by the past and still try to live in the present. Overall, new beginnings are important. Some years, I would like to find even more New Years to celebrate– to help me pause and take a breath as I start a new beginning. But for now, I’ll stick with the two I’ve got.

A Happy New Year to all — may it bring you growth and fulfillment in all areas of your life.

Dr. Karen Wasserstein is a psychologist in Maryland and Virginia specializing in the area of fertility and family building. She can be reached at drkwasserstein@gmail.com

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Doctors and health care providers are not to blame for an “infertility industrial complex” and patients are not baby crazed. Wanting to provide people with medical care that will help them have a baby is a noble profession and wanting to be a parent is really deep desire. There are exceptions, but or every doctor who may take advantage of a patient who didn’t do their research, there are scores of doctors feeling tied up trying not to raise false hopes. And for every patient that is beyond their boundaries trying anything and everything, there are many more trying to be reasonable during an incredibly stressful and painful time.  The truth is that we are all vulnerable.
 
A recent article from the UK discussed the delicate balance attempted in the wellness industry that doesn’t always respect that vulnerability.  It can be quite easy to take advantage of people who want to improve their chances for having a baby and are willing to try  something that seems to be a viable option. In reality so much of the “wellness care” is stress reduction, which is legit, but not baby producing. A lot of add on’s in clinics just control for various factors, but may not increase chances of having a baby. Some treatments or “wellness care” may help certain conditions, but it isn’t necessarily a condition that you have.
 
So hold tight to your candy while focusing on having your own baby. Respect your own boundaries and vulnerabilities. Ask questions. Use your heart and your head.  Take care of yourself by keeping your body, soul, heart and mind in balance as best you can.
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As part of  Passover preparation – removing chametz from our lives and planning to leave the narrow places – Hasidah invited several guest bloggers to provide support for dealing with Infertility during the holiday and beyond.
Erin Schlozman is a licensed professional counselor specializing in women’s reproductive health at Mama Wellness Co. in Colorado

In Judaism, we are told to “be fruitful and multiply.” We come from a tradition steeped heavily in a narrative filled with the promise of creating new life. How many of you were asked as soon as you broke the glass under the Chuppah: when are you going to start trying for a baby? This question seems earnest and innocent, however the reality is that 1 in 8 couples will have a difficult time getting or staying pregnant. For couples that are facing infertility questions like “are you trying to get pregnant?” and “what are you waiting for?” can feel intensely personal and also crushing. Below are ways you can empower yourself, or help support the people you love once a person or couple has been referred to a fertility specialist.

Most fertility specialists will begin with a detailed intake that will gather you and your partner’s information including medical history, social history and the history of your reproductive health. Additionally, ultrasounds and labs may be ordered for the medical team to get an idea of a baseline and to begin identifying the source of what is going on. I always suggest bringing a list of questions to this first appointment that touch on the concerns you have. Suggestions for things you may want to ask:

  1. What is the process for identifying my diagnosis and how will this diagnosis inform my treatment?
  2. How long do you think the initial workup will take and when do you estimate we will be able to move forward with treatment?
  3. What courses of treatment do you recommend/are most commonly successful in your practice? Additionally, what are my treatment options?
  4. How long do we focus on each treatment and at what point do we move to a new treatment? For example: if we start with IUI how long before we discuss IVF.
  5. Is there anything I can do to improve my chances of becoming and staying pregnant during the course of treatment?
  6. Are there any lifestyle changes you recommend?

Infertility brings a landslide of emotions including immense vulnerability, feelings that you have no control and moments of intense sadness. When we think about growing our families we think about future homes, communities, holidays, birthdays and milestones. Experiencing infertility can feel like the biggest threat to those things. When you take your journey to have a baby from the bedroom to a doctor’s office it’s only natural that floods of emotion will come with you. Stress, sadness, excitement, grief and fear all bundled together. Here are a few tips on how to provide yourself self-care during this time.

  1. Educate yourself on the medical components of infertility. ​Gathering information and education can help you feel empowered and whittle away at the feelings of powerlessness that come with the process.
  2. Identify your support system, both individually and as a couple. ​Finding a therapist that specializes in infertility or a group for families going through fertility treatments will help you build your tribe and a support system that knows exactly what you are going through. Also, social media outlets have support groups that many women find helpful.
  3. Try your best to focus in the moment. ​Be your own best advocate and don’t get caught up in future worries and anxieties: what if this happens, what if this doesn’t work, what if what if what if. Do your best to live in the moment and don’t give too much power to the what if’s.
  4. Feel your feelings. ​You may wake up feeling great one morning and incredibly sad the next. You may feel you don’t recognize yourself, like you have changed forever and wonder if you’ll ever return to the person you were before you started trying to get pregnant. This is ok. Allow yourself the moment to honor however you are feeling and remember that all feelings pass.
  5. Engage in regular check-ins with your partner. ​Infertility is a partners experience. Make sure you keep up your communication, try to make time for fun and to connect to one another in some way. Given the stringent requirements surrounding treatment, sex may be off the table at certain times- practice other ways of sharing intimate moments outside of intercourse.

As the primary focus of fertility treatments is medical, I can’t stress enough the importance of tapping into your community to help support your emotional, spiritual and physical needs. While you work toward parenthood, know that your tradition and community stand behind you with great force, fierce love and an intense commitment to support you. Whether you yourself are going through fertility treatments, or someone you know and love is, it is important to always remember that no two journeys are the same and that a foundation of loving support and community can help ease the silence and pain of the experience of infertility.

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Some things are just human and it doesn’t seem to matter much where you live. Facing challenges to building a family might be one of them.  A recent survey in England got the following stats from people struggling to become parents.

  • 90% say infertility feels like a trauma.
  • 94% don’t think their friends, family or colleagues really understand what they are going through
  • 55% feel hopeless and like a failure
  • 68% believe other people think less of them because they do not have a child.
  • 54% feel annoyed by other people’s comments
  • 37% feeling angered by what others say
Healthcare in England is different than in the US, but again, some things seem similar. The stats there revealed that 34% of those who paid privately for IVF put themselves in financial risk in doing so.
One third of people paying for IVF are putting themselves at financial risk.
So for those who didn’t put themselves “at financial risk,” what did they have to give up?  
What are you giving up to try to have a child?
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Hasidah’s founder and CEO, Rabbi Idit Solomon,  has an article published in Kveller. Many people assume that once someone is pregnant the pain of infertility is gone. This well received post explores how the effects of infertility continue even after pregnancy is achieved

For more information on the topic and additional support resources, see this wonderful article at OurBodiesOurselves.

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