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Yom Kippur, Hawaii and Infertility

Self-blame is often an uninvited guest at an infertility experience. It sometimes tags along with curiosity. Is this because I was on birth control pills? Sometimes it just walks in the front door. I waited too long. I didn’t take care of my body. I didn’t eat well. Other times you don’t see it come in and it is just there. I must deserve this.

Yom Kippur is an entire day for the Jewish people to confess all their mistakes to God, make amends, and return to better ways. The Hebrew word for this is teshuvah, which means return. This return is meant to be a return to God and Godly ways. The process traditionally includes stopping the offending behaviors or thoughts, regretting them, asking forgiveness from the person you wronged, and committing to not repeating the mistakes. Regret followed by asking another for forgiveness, however, skips over a crucial step: self-forgiveness.

Forgiveness requires relationship. One does not ask their sister for forgiveness for breaking their neighbor’s power tool. You ask your neighbor. One does not ask forgiveness of God for arguing with another person. You ask that person. In turn, we turn to God for sins that are an affront to God: being jealous, haughty and xenophobia. Yet feelings of untrustworthiness or being a bad friend may remain in one’s own heart. One can do the steps of teshuva and still harbor self-blame.

Some things in life, like infertility, are not as simple as a power tool. Infertility often leads to deeper and more complex guilt intertwined with loss and longing. The self-blame is sometimes subtle and sometimes overwhelming. However, the full process for addressing remains the same.

Two years ago I went to Hawaii to lead Yom Kippur services. Next year in Hawaii, I quipped as I flew home.  This past year, Hawaii came to me.  Someone taught me about a Hawaiian ritual that over time evolved – or perhaps was simplified – into the Ho’oponono prayer. It comes from a Hawaiian healing tradition. It is linked in part to Hala, the Hawaiian concept to miss the thing aimed for, or to err, to disobey. This is similar to the hebrew word het, which rather than sin, means to miss the mark. The prayer also fits beautifully into the process of teshuvah. More to the point, it allows space for forgiveness in all relationships, including with one’s self.

This prayer has the power to work for a broken tool and for self-blame. Assume for a moment that it makes no difference if you waited too long to have children or if you stayed in good enough physical condition to have children. Or whether or not the broken tool really was the result of an accident or not. It simply is the situation and that cannot be changed. What makes a difference is that you are blaming yourself. You feel you have done wrong.

If you are able, bring something to mind that is lingering with you. Then say this prayer in your heart:

I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you

You may ask, to whom do I direct this? Direct it to whoever you need to say it. Psychologists have written about the power of this prayer, the power of its directness and simplicity (not to be confused with ease). We focus our view of situations around ourselves. We see ourselves as flawed. We see the world or some external force as preventing us from moving forward. Yet, it is okay to have made mistakes. More often it is our own minds that need changed. Our hearts need compassion. Our souls need to be cleansed.

I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you

Keep saying it. Say it slowly. Say it quickly. Say it directed to another. Say it directed to yourself. Then say it again until you feel movement inside your heart or your body. It is a movement towards healing. And maybe you need to repeat this later today, or tomorrow, or next week and keep releasing it. Returning to ourselves is an ongoing process. Some make a practice of saying it every day.

Starting with yourself prepares you to ask others for forgiveness.  Or God. In your compassion for yourself, you are able to be open with others.  Either way the release will allow you to move forward in your life and your decisions. The change that is needed, the change within you, will happen.

On Yom Kippur, invite in the memories of all the mistakes, perceived or real. Or any time of year when the uninvited guests arrive – self-blame, doubt, guilt or regret – welcome them gently. Invite them on a trip with you. To Hawaii. Acknowledge your guests.

I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you

Welcome yourself back. You are ready to reach to others and to God from your place of return.

 

https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/yom-kippur-hawaii-and-infertility/

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This column originally appeared in The Jewish News of Northern California , November 12, 2019

 

Several months ago, I was asked to speak at an event for Hasidah, a Berkeley-based nonprofit that “raises awareness of infertility, connects people to support resources and reduces financial barriers to [fertility] treatment in the Jewish community,” according to its website.

I so wish my family had known about this agency’s work when we were struggling with these issues.

I care about helping build Jewish families. So many of us take for granted that when we are ready to build a family and have a child, it will happen. I know from my own family’s experience that it doesn’t always work so easily, or economically.

Topics such as infertility were rarely spoken about until recently.

Growing up, I knew our past generations had hard times, but my life and the future seemed simple. College, career, get married, have kids, be a mom, then a grandmother.

Fast forward. It was not so easy.

Seeing one’s children struggle with their health or struggle to create a family — it was not easy at all.

One of my daughter’s struggles began in high school with severe abdominal pain. Today we see commercials on TV about endometriosis, but 20 years ago I had never even heard the word. Many years went by — years of tests and surgeries and different doctors — with no diagnosis. Finally, one doctor was able to give her an experimental drug that took away her fertility for five years (ages 20 to 25) with the hope that it would just “pop back.”

Through all those appointments, shots and bone-density scans, the fear of “what if fertility doesn’t come back” was always looming, And there was no place to talk about it. Yes, her fertility returned, as UCSF had hoped, and she and her husband went on to have a family.

Then my other daughter married and learned she had issues getting pregnant. With her wonderful husband’s firm support, they tried many options, talked over all the possibilities, the what-ifs.

One day a friend of hers who knew the situation asked me, “How are you?” Seeing the dark cloud hanging over me and being a mental-health professional, she shared that the dark feeling isn’t just over the couple but over the whole family.

My husband and I were in a dark place, but we came to understand this was our daughter’s journey, and we were there to support her.

We tried not to show our pain to her when treatments failed and as she felt more and more isolated. Through many very expensive processes, a woman’s enormous generosity and modern technological miracles, we were granted two more beautiful grandchildren.

Every day we thank HaShem for those beautiful children.

I began to see how so many others could use this kind of support.

My daughters were fortunate that our family could help them financially. Not everyone is in a position to afford fertility treatment or to help their own children. There hasn’t been anything in the community to help.

I have since become involved with Hasidah, which provides “financial, spiritual and emotional support for people experiencing infertility or fertility challenges, and build[s] awareness about fertility,” according to its listing in the 2018 Slingshot Guide of outstanding Jewish organizations. Hasidah, which means “stork” in Hebrew, was founded in 2012 by Rabbi Idit Solomon.

Hasidah.org is packed with information, such as the average out-of-pocket cost for one in vitro fertilization treatment being $24,000, with a $61,000 total for “a successful outcome from IVF.”

People need so much support when they are facing infertility, which is why it was so important for me to step up and help. Not only for my own family, but I could help others overcome their fertility struggles, too.

It was imperative for me to help each of my daughters become a mother.  It is imperative upon all of us as a community to help others who are facing infertility and other family building challenges.

We need to replenish those lost during my parent’s generation. We need to support the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying. And it is the Jewish way to help others in need.

Jewish children are the future of the Jewish community. I have endless joy from each of my grandchildren. I hope our community can prioritize this issue for our sake, and for our future.

 

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As part of  Passover preparation – removing chametz from our lives and planning to leave the narrow places – Hasidah invited several guest bloggers to provide support for dealing with Infertility during the holiday and beyond.
Aron Wolgel is an educator and infertility veteran based in Berkeley, CA.

The excitement of Pesach is upon us! Many families are preparing for their seder, planning menus, arranging place settings, and studying texts that will help unlock new understandings of the traditional tale. Guided by the Haggadah, we are told –  כל המרבה בסיפור יציאת מצרים, הרי זה משובח – anyone who expands the telling of the exodus from Egypt is praiseworthy ,

Many scholars have pointed out that the magid section actually contains four separate stories of yetziat mitzrayim – the Exodus from Egypt. During the Seder, we put these stories together so that we all participate in one unified narrative.

As such, here are four stories of infertility, thematically linked to four of the items on the seder plate: maror, charoset, karpas, and zeroa.

Maror – the bitter story

As with any difficulty in life, this journey carried with it bitter moments that overwhelmed the other aspects of life, often creating a sense of despair.

It began when the doctor explained that our situation was “not optimal.” After discovering that IVF was our only real hope for conceiving, we were extremely optimistic going into our first transfer. Then it failed. Then the second transfer failed. And the third. We felt a deep sense of loss, even though we hadn’t technically lost anything.

Were this the full story, it would have been bitter enough. But throughout the entire ordeal, we also overcame painful social interactions that presented themselves:

I endured the “playful” comments from community members when they observed me holding a friend’s child and would remark “that looks good on you.” Exercising restraint, I’d politely smile back, and think to myself, “It’s a baby, not a sweater!”

In fact, the deepest hurt existed at others’ celebrations. I can still remember the sting of people wishing me “soon by you” at every bris and baby naming. In my best attempt at empathy, I would reply “today is about their family”, so that I wouldn’t have to think of (the incompleteness of) mine.

Charoset – the bricks and mortar

The charoset reminds us of the mortar used by the Israelites in building Pharaoh’s cities. For our story, the charoset represents the tasks that simply had to get done.

I was challenged by how difficult this chapter was for my wife – her desire to be a mother was at the core of her identity. As such, I became the “logistics manager” in order to enable her to address her emotions in a more focused way, unencumbered by the extracurricular demands.

I appreciated the responsibility of scheduling doctors’ appointments. I found meaning in mixing the medicines for her nightly injections – it was my contribution to the process. Most notably, I felt like a partner in sharing my wife’s burden. By taking care of the details, I allowed her to free up the necessary headspace to deal with her emotions.

Karpas – the story of hope

On Pesach, many people have the custom of using a green vegetable, symbolizing spring, as their Karpas.

Fittingly, it seemed as though every time we found another glimmer of hope, (e.g. another embryo transfer) it felt that our parsley would be doused in salt water. The hope had been engulfed in sorrow. It was tricky to maintain my optimism, but I recognized how essential it was. I quickly learned that humor (albeit wry at times) would be my default coping mechanism.

At key moments, we clung to hope. Other times, I found it more helpful to seek respite. Sometimes the best feeling came from playing in my weekly frisbee game. For those 2 hours, I was able to escape my doubts and fears. For a brief time, I could release myself from the pressures of the home and remember the larger scenery of life – joking with friends, enjoying the outdoors, and appreciating all that I was physically capable of.

By providing a break, these moments of respite allowed me to return to my situation with a renewed sense of hope.

Zeroa – the story of strength

In the Bible, Israel is led out of Egypt with an outstretched arm. Consequently, the shank bone is associated with strength, or in this case, support.

We found ourselves continually reframing our situation to express gratitude for what we had. We were fortunate to have family and friends who supported us with outstretched arms. Though I occasionally reached out to friends to unload my burden, the most important idea for me during this time was to stay close to my wife.

We prioritized time for each other and found strength in three phrases, which became our mantra: “1) I love you. 2) We’ll get through this together. 3) This will eventually be resolved.” Now, I didn’t know what “resolved” would look like, or how long things would take before they were resolved, but as long as #1 and #2 stayed strong, it gave us hope for #3.

Each person’s Passover seder connection revolves around a different aspect of the day – songs, rituals, community, and in many cases, the food. Regardless of the personal association, our seder reflects a mixture of experiences. This is how we remember the slavery while simultaneously celebrating freedom.

It’s important to recognize when to immerse ourselves in one perspective of the story. By the same token, if we fail to engage in the other narratives, our story is not authentic. Similarly, my personal “yetziat mitzrayim” taught me to embrace all of the stories and flow between them.

We spend so much time and effort trying to create the world as it ​should​ be; this experience has taught me the importance of living in the world as it ​is.

Although my story may not be unique, its events and details make it mine. During this holiday season, may we all find the courage and conviction to tell our stories, and may we also demonstrate the kindness and sensitivity to empower others to share their stories with us. Chag Sameach.

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Guest Blogger Julie Bindeman is a reproductive psychologist, speaker and author based in Rockville, MD

One of the most familiar parts of the Passover Seder is the four sons/children. These children represent the different places in which people come to the Seder: knowing and wise; selfish (or wicked); simple (or not knowing); and the fourth is silent as he or she doesn’t know what to ask and is just taking everything in. However, this breakdown doesn’t include a fifth child missing from the Seder, whether we give voice to him or her or not. The fifth child is the child of potential: the child that those struggling with infertility are working to create or the child that almost was, but the pregnancy ended before its completion.

The biggest difference in the Passover Seder from other Jewish observances is that it isn’t expected to occur in a synagogue within a large Jewish population. It occurs in homes across the world with families and friends gathering to retell the story. People come to this holiday in all different places and spaces in life: managing their own struggles whatever they might be. As 1 in 8 couples experience infertility and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, it would be foolish to assume that someone struggling with these issues isn’t attending a Seder with you. These struggles tend to be silent and invisible, especially within our holiday structure.

The idea of a fifth child is not a new one. In fact, the ​Lubavitcher Rebbe​ famously spoke about the fifth son of the Pesach Seder, but in doing so, was referring to Jews who had lost their faith and strayed from being Jewish. This idea has been one that my friend ​Rabbi Uri Topolosky​ has adopted and spoken about. He includes this fifth child at his Passover Seder, but not only as the child that has lost his or her Jewish way, but also as the child that is unformed and unable to physically be at the table.

Infertility and pregnancy loss are devastating experiences that are far too common and hidden. Giving them voice can be considered to be a great act of loving-kindness since many who struggle yearn to talk about it, but are unsure how others will respond. Many people attempt to say well-intentioned refrains such as, “Just relax, and you’ll get pregnant;” “G-d only gives you what you can handle;” “This is part of G-d’s plan for you” or “Why not adopt?” Hearing such advice often has the opposite effect. Rather than connecting, these comments make people who are on a fertility journey or grieving pregnancy loss want to retreat and isolate. It confirms that others aren’t able to put themselves in their shoes or understand their pain, and reinforces the need to stay quiet about these experiences.

Including the “fifth child” at Seder reaffirms that families experiencing infertility or pregnancy losses are seen, not only by family and friends, but also by their religion. Ways to include the “fifth child” at your Seder:

The story of Passover leads to the Jews wandering for 40 years in the desert, searching for the Land of Israel. This parallels the journey of a couple struggling to build their family: looking forward with hope, waiting for it to happen, potentially lots of false turns, wondering if or when their family will be complete, until (we pray) they reach their “promised land” of fulfilling the dream to parent. Whatever their promised land turns out to be, may they have a voice at the table. Let their hopes to tell the Passover story to their children be recognized.

In honor of this fifth child or for the many other reasons people may be missing from the Passover Table, considering asking a fifth question: who is missing from our Seder?

 

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Reproductive rights have been hijacked. When someone mentions the phrase “reproductive rights,” the first things that usually come to mind are either birth control or abortion. However, the ability to prevent pregnancy is only part of reproductive rights. What about the right to have a child? This conversation has fallen by the wayside. Ironically, every year at Rosh Hashanah, Jews assert the centrality of having children, and we would do a great service to the world if we embrace that message a little more.

A married woman’s right to sex, which means access to fertility, was codified early in Jewish tradition. Initially included in the Torah’s injunction of a husband’s minimum obligations for food, clothing and sex (Exodus 21.10), the Talmud explains the women’s right to sex through an outline of the minimum sex a husband must provide for his wife (Ketubot 61b). For sure, mortality rates were influential in that process, but essentially Judaism has always been a pro-family, pro-child tradition. Early declarations of human rights spoke of enabling people to exercise their right to determine freely and responsibly the quantity and spacing of their children, along with the means for having them (see, e.g., the UN’s 1969 Declaration on Social Progress and Development, Part 1, Article 4). The language was not exclusive to birth prevention. It was inclusive of having children. The implied shift towards prevention has painful repercussions for millions who face fertility challenges.

Rabbi Daniel Polish, a contemporary leader on interfaith dialogue, wrote in that context in the 1980s, “The recognition of the importance of human life is at the same time both integral to the Jewish faith system and the first and necessary precondition for a belief in human rights.”

On Rosh Hashanah, God is coronated, and God’s rule is epitomized through opening the Book of Life and beginning to decide who shall live and who shall die. Fertility is the ultimate example of that synthesis and exemplifies the other themes of the holiday: the birth of the world, the beginning of humanity and its frailty, and God as ultimate ruler and source of life. The first words of the Torah reading for the first day of Rosh Hashanah (Genesis 21:1-34) describe God “remembering Sarah,” meaning opening her womb to pregnancy. The Haftarah text (1 Samuel 1:1-2:10) then introduces Hannah, who is loved yet barren. She tearfully pours out her heart, God remembers her, and she has a child.

God’s ultimate power is exemplified through fertility. The connection comes together directly in a Talmudic passage:

Three keys the Holy One, blessed be [God], has retained in [God’s] own hands and not entrusted to the hand of any messenger: these are the key of rain, the key of childbirth, and the key of the revival of the dead. (Taanit 2a)

While Jews remain a little skeptical about anyone’s ability to overcome death, most of us have come to recognize our ability to affect the rains. Environmental action is real, and can affect our planet for the better. The medical community enabled assistance for reproduction. When it comes to pregnancy prevention, modern Jews have spoken out. Are the steps leading to childbirth some exception that, unlike other areas of healthcare, we should stay out? Is assistance for conceiving a child exceptional and beyond our realm of action? The politicization of all things related to reproduction, the lack of insurance coverage, and the assumption that attempts to procreate will work whenever we want all seem to have silenced the topic.

Jews have almost always been open to intervention when our bodies have not performed as intended. The Torah states “Make sure he is healed” (verapo yerapei)( Exodus 21.19) in double (repetitive) language. The Talmud gleans from the double language that not only do doctors have permission to heal, but that healing is not considered to be an intervention counter to the will of God. (Baba Kamma 85a). Much of childbirth is out of our control, but bringing healing and relief to those facing infertility is something we can address.

I experienced years of infertility before becoming a parent. I have counseled hundreds of people dealing with a variety of fertility challenges. Wanting a child and then facing the prospect of not being able to have a child brings the importance of human life front and center. One of the ultimate expressions of our Judaism, of our faith in God and humanity, is through the creation of a new life.

Support, resources and advocacy are needed for people experiencing infertility and fertility challenges.

How can you help? Awareness is important and appreciated. As Rosh Hashanah’s messages of life, fertility, creation, and God’s power come upon us, remember those who feel isolated from that message. When we wish that others be inscribed in the Book of Life, include a prayer for those hoping and praying to be a part of creating life too.

Rabbi Idit Solomon is the founder and CEO of Hasidah, a Jewish nonprofit dedicated to building awareness about infertility in the Jewish community, connecting people to resources and providing financial support for treatment. She lives in Berkeley, California with her husband and three children.

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Is egg freezing a good thing? A recent article in the Forward by Amy Klein explores the personal stories of a growing number of Jewish women considering egg freezing. Egg freezing  is empowering for some, a relief for others and scary for others. For cancer patients it ought to be a given option.  For the general population, however, more questions are in order.

Egg freezing may add to the societal pressure on women’s bodies. We cannot treat women’s bodies as machines that can simply have parts temporarily preserved. As with all technologies that have the potential for good, society needs to change too. How we think about family building needs to change. The attitude of work versus family needs to change. The role of men in all of this needs to be discussed. How can we stop the I-never-thought-about-it, now-it-is-getting-late and we-can-control-it-all rat race and begin to have meaningful conversations with young people about the role of fertility and family?

To be sure this is not about blaming women for taking the opportunity to utilize this amazing technology to help them preserve their chances of motherhood. For sure, egg freezing has benefits and women absolutely deserve and have the right to control their bodies and their fertility. However, most technologies have unintended consequences as well as negative effects and it is important to consider them. Some of those are the issues about careers, fertility, family building, parenting, gender roles, and the politics of women’s bodies that are not being addressed. Let us not utilize this technology to prevent these conversations from happening.  These conversations are needed – early, openly and often – to empower women from the start. Not just to justify looking at the the freezer for a back up.

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Ever see that headline that addresses a question that’s been nagging at you? When you are struggling with infertility, a lot of things are nagging at you. Is there something I could be doing differently to resolve this? Did I forget to ask a question? Is there a treatment or method I don’t know that could help? And headlines can answer questions – or create questions – you never knew you had.

Here is a sample of some (not all) headlines that came out about a recent study. I took the liberty to highlight what I learned just by reading enough headlines (and share some of my reactions).

  • This over-the-counter painkiller has been linked to male infertility (what is it?!? I have to click, right???)
  • Study Links Ibuprofen with Male Infertility (oh)
  • Study: Ibuprofen may lead to male infertility (may lead?)
  • Ibuprofen use linked to male infertility, study finds (linked or leads?)
  • Ibuprofen linked to Male Infertility in Small Study (how small?)
  • New study suggests ibuprofen could be linked to male infertility (getting vague now)
  • Ibuprofen use may be linked to male infertility (back to links and maybes. But there is a lot of headlines. Maybe there is something here)
  • Taking a lot of ibuprofen could mess with men’s fertility – here’s what you should know (Wait, how much? And what does mess mean?)
  • Regular Ibuprofen Use May Contribute to Male infertility, Study Says (how often is regular?)
  • Daily Ibuprofen usage associated with infertility (that’s pretty regular, but how much? And what is associated? for what kind of infertility? Nothing male here!)
  • Should you worry about new study linking ibuprofen to male infertility? (Why are you asking me this?)
  • Ibuprofen could cause male infertility? (Cause? How come you can’t decide if this is a question or a statement?)

Did you want to click? Did you want to know more? If there is a male involved with your fertility struggles, did it make you think about perhaps switching to acetaminophen? Did you consider past use? Did you wonder if maybe it effects women too?

Here is a question I have for you now: Do you trust your doctor? If you do, tell him or her about any medications you take and ask questions. If the doctor is not sure, ask your doctor where you can learn more. Stay away from the random newspaper or internet site that gives quick quotes about research. Because here is what you really need to know:

  • Infertility is complex
  • There are more causes and possible scenarios for fertility challenges than any one article could ever address
  • It is not your fault. There is rarely a quick “fix”
  • The news is not meant to make you feel better or address your situation. A lot of news is meant to sell, and fear sells
  • The last thing someone experiencing infertility or fertility challenges needs is another reason to worry.

In case you were curious, the study is with 31 men. The test was only for six weeks. The results were not causal and they were reversible. So to the last question, does Ibuprofen cause infertility (was that really a question?). No. Ibuprofen maybe, could be linked to “messing” with men’s fertility if he is taking a lot, daily.

Summary: Talk to your doctor about any medications you and your partner are taking.

And read a good book, have a cup of tea or take a walk outside to give you a break from the stress of reading the news.

 

Update: Ransom paid here (Headline: The truth about ibuprofen and male infertility)

 

 

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Traditionally called the Season of Joy, Sukkot is inherently wrapped in fertility. Historically and religiously associated with agriculture, Sukkot is a harvest festival celebrating the fertility of the earth. Living in booths (Sukkot) commemorates the Israelite’s wanderings in the desert. Their temporary and unstable nature also reminds of of how fragile our lives and the world is.

The special reading done for this holiday is from Kohelet, which begins, “To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born, a time to die…”

Fertility and the fragility are related. Those of us who have experienced fertility challenges know this all too well. But time plays a role as well. Most of it during a fertility journey seems to be spent waiting. A time to wait… and another time to wait. But Kohelet’s perspective can be helpful during fertility challenges. The verses continue that there is “A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Indeed all things under heaven have a time and a purpose. While fertility can feel all consuming, we do have other purposes in life. And time will continue. The message of fragility at this season is also a reminder of what endures. Our choice to laugh or cry endures. Our ability to reach out to another for support when we mourn and to dance when there is joy endures.

So if this Season of Joy seems hard to reach for you, if you are intimately feeling the fragility of the fertility world, remember there is a purpose for you in this world. Feel the enduring presence of your self and your ability to laugh and cry. And if you are mourning, know too that there will be a time to dance.

Always, there will be time.

Chag Sukkot Sameach – Warm wishes for a joyous Sukkot Holiday

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When couples struggle with fertility challenges, things can feel more unhinged. We are told by our faith to “go forth and multiply” or that sex on the Sabbath is a mitzvah. The frustration and self-doubt that creeps in when couples try to honor these teachings, and are unable to create new life can be deep. Inherently, there is a sense of shame that many couples experience when they are unable to fulfill their dreams of parenthood, and often times, this struggle is kept silent.

Infertility is not something that a member of a couple ever forgets, especially during their road to parenthood. Seemingly innocuous questions like, “when are you going to have kids?” or “have you tried to just relax?” add salt to an already open wound, despite those that ask them being well-meaning in their intentions. Since reminders of fertility are all around us (in the form children playing, commercials for baby products, and pregnant women) one doesn’t have to go far to feel that twinge of jealousy and longing as well as the reminder of the uncertainty about when it is their time to be parents.

Having a medical professional enter into the sacred space of childbearing changes the dynamic between a couple. An act that was supposed to have occurred in the sacred space of a couple’s bedroom has now shifted to a medical building.  Here is another place where the push and pull between having faith (that things will work out and a baby will be created) and experiencing fear (such as the doubts that can creep in) creates a tension in both individuals and between a couple. Many partners have different coping styles, and when it comes to experiencing something hard, few couples have had the history together to give them insight around what coping together looks like rather than coping separately.  Managing the emotions around infertility call for couples to increase their communication, particularly around what each might need. It also indicates that couples might need to allow for some space for one or both members.

Learning about how, as individuals, we process information can be vital in then teaching our partner.  An example might be a couple where the wife is an externalizer and likes to talk to others when things are hard but who is married to a man that is an internalizer, or someone who likes to keep his feelings close to the vest until he has figured out his next course of action. These are two styles that tend to be exhibited in many couples. The wife might be talking to whomever will listen about their fertility journey, while the husband keeps the information to himself. This can make his wife feel like she is alone within the couple on this journey whereas the husband might feel like his wife is broadcasting something personal to the entire world. Both are correct in their experiences, and through communication and knowing their styles of coping, they can manage their coping styles together while being respectful and responsive to the other’s differing style.

For some couples, struggling with infertility or another unforeseen challenge might turn one member towards their faith while the other member is turned away. Developing outside areas of interests can also be important in coping with the unknown, as a way of distracting and distancing people from the path they are on. Areas of interest can be faith based, sport based, or creatively based as just some arenas that couples might want to explore. Certainly, for many engaging in a variety of mindfulness practices assists with managing feelings of uncertainty. For others, finding a support group or a mental health provider is equally important in dealing with factors beyond one’s own control.

Infertility impacts one in eight couples, and can have a lasting impact on how individuals experience themselves, how a couple connects, and how a couple is able to cope.   Learning strategies to manage the unknown, whether it be faith based, therapy based, or developed on your own enables individuals and couples to have more of a sense of control around an area in their lives that is not within their bounds to always directly change. Additionally, learning how to communicate as a couple about what each individual member’s needs are is a skill that will last well beyond the initial challenge of infertility.

Dr. Julie Bindeman is a member of Hasidah’s healthcare advisory board. She is a reproductive psychologist and co-director of Integrative Therapy of Greater Washington outside of the Nation’s Capital.

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Just hosted the National Jewish Fertility Network video conference about adoption. Experts represented an amazing array of approaches – adoption agency, adoption support, law firm, and Jewish adoption advocacy. Indeed adoption is a very Jewish and beautiful pathway to parenthood. These experts helped educate Hasidah and others in the Jewish community supporting family building. We learned more about the benefits, issues, and challenges of adoption as well as how to support those considering adoption.

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